Aging Before My Eyes

So for this past Christmas my darling husband gave me a bathroom scale. Why, might you ask, gentle reader, would a husband do something like that to his wife? Well, he did mean well. This is our third bathroom scale in our 3 years together. The first befell a tragic toilet plugging accident. Everything on the floor at the time, including Egyptian cotton towels, bath mats, and even the bathroom scale were thrown out.

In order to conserve finances, should another toilet disaster occur, our second scale was a cheapie bought at Target. It was woefully inaccurate. I could gain 12 pounds in under 10 seconds. I had to weigh myself three times and take the average of the different weights.

So, for Christmas, my dear hubby spared no expense and bought a top of the line bathroom scale. Not only does this scale measure mere weight (in pounds, kilograms, or stones/pounds nonetheless!), it also sends a small electric current through the weigher's feet to measure the percentage of body fat. But it doesn't end there! It also gives the weigher a percentage of water in the body, and weighs the bones. How it achieves these marvels of modern science, I know not. But I do know that the most interesting ability this savvy scale posesses is the ability to calculate your body's "real age" as told by weight, height, activity level, body fat, etc.

My husband, who is not only very small, but very active, gets on this super-futuristic scale and it tells him he is only 19 years old! So I get on the thing......and it turns out that I'm married to a much, much, much younger man. According to the scale, I'm nearly old enough to start collecting retirement and wear Depends. I think I'm having chest pains.